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Rise To Power: Dmitry Stallen
The Biography of Dmitry Stallen, The First Post-Romanov Czar of Russia The Narrator (Nikola Alex) tells a story to his six Russo-Italian-American children: Alfonse, Kalina, Tatiana, Dmitry, Pietro, and Juliana Alex Narrator (Nikola Alex): Dmitry Stallen was born in the year of our Lord 1776, the ninth youngest of forty-three. Now, what important thing happened in that year? Alfonse: My great-great-great-great-great grandfather became potty-trained! N: Correct! Stallen was born to two very poor peasants, Kirill Stallen and Anzhela Bardowicz-Stallen. Kirill was born in Moscow, a secret descendent of the Romanovs, while Anzhela was a Polish-Belarusian midwife’s daughter born in Brest, Belarus. They owned the equivalent of 78,329,480,283 US dollars – very poor indeed. Kirill was a cruel soul, and he often beat Dmitry, Anzhela, and her other children (Aliaksiej, Francišak, Stanislaŭ, Kiryla, Katsiaryna, Aksana, Maryja, Jury, Uladzimir, Piatro, Ruslan, Oleg, Vitali, Varvara, Anfisa, Albina, Nadezhda, Nonna, Zinaida, Izolda, Kapitolina, Renata, Sofia, Taisia, Faina, Elvira, Arseny, Bogdan, Vsevolod, Gennady, Daniil, Evgeny, Illarion, Matvei, Pyotr, Rostislav, Spartak, Timofei, Yury, and Konstantin), but Gennady and Pyotr would always beat him up in return. Kalina: Narrator, why did Anzhela and Kiriil have so many children? N: … Moving on… Dmitry was the quiet one in the house (which was located in the Belarusian countryside, just outside of Brest), though all his siblings (except Taisia) were always screaming. Anzhela had to hire thirty maids to take care of them all. Alfonse: I’m glad I don’t have thirty maids – it would be too hard to give them the slip when I want to escape. N: That’s nice. Now, Taisia and Dmitry bonded well because of their reserved natures. However, in the year of – Tatiana: We get it! Can you stop saying ‘in the year of our Lord’? It takes up too much time! N: Well, excuse me, Little Miss ‘I want everything to go my way and no one else’s way-’ Tatiana: Shut your gob! N: Hmph. In 1784, when Dmitry Stallen was eight, his father, Kiriil Stallen, and sister, Elvira Stallen, were killed by an outbreak of yellow fever. Since his family’s sole income was lost, Anzhela fired all the maids and put all the children (except for Pyotr and Gennady) up for adoption. Taisia, Kapitolina, and Dmitry were then adopted by a Polish couple (Apolonarius and Aniela Wojciechowski) unable to have children. None of the children took on the Wojciechowski name. The children followed them to their home in Krakow, Poland. Pietro: If they went to Poland, then how come – ? N: ENOUGH! NO MORE INTERRUPTIONS! All children: Awww…. N: I MEAN IT! Children: *silence* N: That’s better. They lived in Krakow for four years before Kapitolina went to college in Kiev, Ukraine. Two more years past and it was Taisia’s turn. She went to a prestigious university in Warsaw, and neither she nor Dmitry nor Kapitolina ever returned to Belarus. To all of Anzhela’s children put up for adoption, she was no longer their mother, so they had no reason to return. Now Dmitry was fourteen, but he still had four years ‘till he was able to go to college. The next year, Dmitry and the Wojciechowskis moved to Moscow, for Apolonarius’s work and because most Dmitry’s siblings lived around there. That same year, Dmitry’s brother Vitali and his family of five moved in to their 792,749,437,247 sq. foot estate. Within two years, Kapitolina’s family of three came to stay. The last year of his stay at the Wojciechowskis brought Taisia and her own family of three (she dropped out of university to get married). Within those three years, Vitali had five more children, Kapitolina had three more, and Taisia had one more. N: 1794 brought college for Dmitry Stallen, and he enrolled into a rich person’s college in Moscow. In 1798, after getting his degree in Royal Ousting, he and his followers, known as the ''PRICKME ''(Post Romanov Initiates of the Czarship of the Killing-free Muscovite Era), overthrew the Romanovs and came into power. After a grueling two-year debate about who should be czar, Kapitolina yelled at the members of the ''PRICKME ''to get on with ruling Russia. They immediately chose Dmitry Stallen. Dmitry Alex: Why did Kapitolina yelling make them stop fighting? N: Well, this may not be true, but it is rumored that Kapitolina was a sorceress, and maybe some of her descendents are too. Juliana: Hey, wait a second, dad. You said ‘no more interruptions’. Why does Dmitry get to interrupt? N: I don’t know, I don’t care. Stop whining, Juliana. Juliana: I’m not – N: ANYWAYS, back to the story. So it was the year of – Tatiana: DAD! WHAT DID I TELL YOU, OLD MAN? N: *sighs* In 1800, Dmitry Stallen was officially Czar of Russia, and he had a wife, Vladlina Kuzmich. In 1801, they had twins, Polina Stallen-Medvedev and Artem Stallen, and in 1802, they had triplets, Galya Stallen-Gerasimova, Anatoly Stallen, and Iskander Stallen. In early 1803, after twins Liliya Stallen-Solovyova and Cheslav Stallen were born, there were uprisings in Moscow amongst the noble population. They believed that Dmitry Stallen wasn’t opening enough donut shops, so by the month of July, Dmitry Stallen was killed by revolutionaries, and Boris Kito (Dmitry’s cousin) became Czar of Russia, and married Svetlana Gurka, a Ukrainian nobleman’s daughter. Vladlina and the seven Stallen children fled to live with the Wojciechowskis in June. She remarried, bought an estate, moved out of the Wojciechowski Estate, and had six more children. Polina ended up marrying a Medvedev, you know. We’re not descended from her, though. I think she married… Pavel Medvedev? Yes, that must be right. Kalina: That was a good story, dad. Other children: Yeah. N: You think so? Children: Mmhmm. Juliana: And I thought six children was a lot. Boy, was I wrong. N: You said it. Alfonse: Did they really revolt over a lack of donut shops? N: You betcha! Tatiana: I wish we could revolt – I don’t think the government opens enough donut shops. 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